SPOILER ALERT

WARNING to all visiting the Mistress’s Domain:

I feel it is my obligation to inform you that I don’t like writing reviews without spoilers.  I want to talk about what I thought of the movie/book/TV show, including what I thought of certain scenes and, often, the ending.  If you haven’t seen or read whatever I’m talking about and you don’t want to know, don’t read my review yet – wait until after you’ve viewed the film yourself, then come back and read/comment/snark along with me.   I’m not going to stop and say “OMGSPOILERZZ” every five seconds to remind you.  I just feel like I can’t adequately describe films if I’m censoring myself to not tell you that the dumb bitch ran up the stairs instead of calling 911 and thus died in a brutal, bloody way.  So…please, read on, but do so at your own risk.

Love,
The Mistress

Apathy and Sharp Objects (Review of The Strangers)

I had absolutely no desire to see The Strangers when it came out.  None.  First off, not the biggest Scott Speedman or Liv Tyler fan.

Herrreeee's Masky

Second, it looked like it would be some crappy gore film à la Hostel.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not totally anti-gore but I hate gore films that have no purpose and that seem to think disgustingly bloody=horror.  The Strangers looked like just that.  But a friend of mine watched it recently and told me I should see it; she thought it was one of the scarier movies she’d seen in a long time.  Given that this isn’t a friend who screams at the word “boo”, I thought it was worth checking out (especially when I saw it in Redbox…gotta love movies for a dollar).

The Greek System Kills (Review of Black Christmas)

In scouring the interwebs for great horror films to watch, I kept coming across Black Christmas.  I was skeptical.  I like a good slasher where sorority girls get brutally murdered as much as the next bloke but…well, for one, there was a remake done in 2006 which looked pretty terrible and got fairly heinous reviews.  For another thing, it’s one thing to be a sorority slasher and possibly sneak onto a couple top 100 lists if people are big fans of slashers and boobs, but Black Christmas was often falling in the top 20 or 30.  I was intrigued…suspicious, but intrigued.

Films to See Page

I have decided that even though I’ve probably seen more horror films than at least 90% of people I know, I’m not satisfied with my horror knowledge.  The majority of my film viewing has been of films that were made during my lifetime.  When I look at top 100 horror lists made by other aficionados of the genre, I feel woefully ignorant about classic horror films.  Thus, I am going to try (probably very slowly, of course…there are only so many hours in a day and it’s nearly impossible for me to resist the call of a new horror film, no matter how terrible it looks) to get myself more familiar with some of the films that seem to be considered the greats by the horror community.

When Good God goes Bad (Review of Legion)

As promised, I dedicated two hours of my life this weekend to seeing Legion. Let me first say this: it’s not good.  However, if you’re craving an in theatre horror film in the next week or so and it’s between Legion or Daybreakers, see Legion.  It’s probably technically the worse of the two films but given the humorous lines in it (both intentional and unintentional) and the fact that I absolutely LOVE Dennis Quaid, possibly more than is natural, I just much more enjoyed the viewing experience of Legion.  In fact, I sort of liked it in that “wow this is awful and kind of makes my brain go ow” sort of way. 

This Movie Sucks (Review of Daybreakers)

Get it?  Vampires?  Sucks?  Ok, so my boyfriend came up with that one.  It made me laugh.  I’m corny.  Get over it.  This movie does suck though.  If you will recall, I did a preview review of Daybreakers a while back.  I was puzzled.  On the one hand, yay vampires that are not emo and sparkly and yay awesome cast.  On the other hand, boo weird human harvest matrix theme and boo odd bat-Nosferatu vampires.  As the release of the film grew closer, I got kind of excited.  I’m not exactly sure why, but I had a good feeling.  Not a good “Oh wow, this will be a new legendary horror film” feeling but a good “I think I may enjoy this” feeling.

A Psychadelic Vacation to the Emerald Isle (Review of Shrooms)

I am a very strong believer that horror is one of those genres crucially affected by viewing environment.  Seeing a good bad horror in a theatre is often key; the audience laughing with you at the ridiculousness just makes the whole thing worthwhile as opposed to just sort of sad.  Watching horror films alone on a rainy night can always make them seem scarier.  Watching horror films with fellow horror fans can lead to an overdose of horror cynicism.  Given that, I decided, against my better judgement, to give another chance to Shrooms.  I saw Shrooms at the 2007 Irish Film Institute’s Horrorthon as the surprise film.  Half of the audience, having already seen the movie, either booed, yelled at the screen, or even walked out.  The rest gladly joined in the jeering.  Given that atmosphere, I thought, “maybe I should give the movie another shot, on my own.  Maybe I’ll change my mind.”

The Week in Previews 1/21/10…or just Legion…

So…this morning did not start as expected.  It is raining in Los Angeles which I HATE because no one can drive in the rain in this city, my throat hurts, and I mistakenly left a bottle of champagne in the freezer overnight, which exploded and has left said freezer smelling oh so slightly of Andre.  I had every intention of editing and publishing two reviews waiting in the wings of truly terrible horror films.  Then I saw this and I had to share because it is very rare that something makes me laugh out loud in my office.

Apologies

I am sorry I have been a lax mistress as of late.  I must confess that I needed a vacation, and, as the holidays present as good an excuse as any to a) relax, b) eat large quantities of food, and c) pretend the normal world doesn’t actually exist, I did just that.  The unfortunate side of this is that I actually don’t have that many films backlogged to write about.  You would think I would, but a surprisingly large amount of my friends and family are not huge horror people.  While watching horror films is not necessarily a group activity, and I do often watch horror on my own, I find it much more enjoyable to watch horror films with another person.  So…I sort of slacked on my mistress-dom for Christmas.  However, with the New Year now well back in swing, my jet lag mostly gone, and work back on track, I’m ready to get back into reading, watching, writing and reviewing.  Two film reviews will be coming your way as soon as I can get my thoughts organized.  So, patience.  I’m back in business.

101 Reasons Why Deep Sea Drilling is a Bad Move (aka Cloverfield: the Rewatch Review)

If you don’t understand what this title has to do with Cloverfield, shame on you.  J.J. Abrams spent ridiculous amounts of time on viral marketing campaigns and ridiculously convoluted back stories that never make it into the movie; the least you could do is google “Slusho”.